Updated: Feb 21, 2022
I am sorry... you have no more eggs, you can’t conceive naturally.
These words from my doctor hit my soul so deeply that everything after that was a blur that day. I cried, and everytime I stopped, that same feeling of “ why is my body failing me at 41?“ brought me back to the pain and the tears. I never thought I was in menopause. I was spotting only and my period was very irregular. Cycle of 60 days with just a drop of blood. I thought I was just stressed out at work.
For months, I went through 3 fertility doctors that poked me in all directions, only to tell me the same results: I was in full menopause and my only choices were: an egg donor or adoption.
I was emotionally beat and broken and at this point I haven’t had a full period for about 6 months.
Finally I had to call my mother (who has been awaiting her new grandchild for it felt like my whole life. Her response shocked me. I can still hear her voice saying: “honey, you forgot where you came from, here in Madagascar we don’t believe doctors. You have to believe more than I believe you are going to get pregnant”.
During that time I also worked on what it means to be a mother (the reasons, the fears) because before I met my husband, motherhood was not on my agenda.
The motherhood feeling sparked when i saw how he was with his daughter, and as my relationship with her transformed into a beautiful connection, the feeling of motherhood became stronger and stronger until we decided it would be the next step in our marriage.
But, with that said, after years of telling my body, mind and spirit, no to motherhood. My body believed it.
So, my journey of motherhood has not only physical but also spiritual and emotional. Uncovering my reasons, my fears, my whys. The process was painful.
Meanwhile, Two weeks after that phone call to my mother, ( end of July 2015) My mother sent me tea leaves with a note that said, ”Drink it twice a day, and believe more than I, that your child is coming.” August 2015, at 41 years old , my first period came after 6 months of not having a full period. September 2015 was my last period, and 3 months after that phone call to my mother I was pregnant.
I flew my mom from Paris to be there for the birth of our baby boy, which was powerful in itself. And after the birth I asked her what was in that tea. She said, “Nothing. Just a cleansing tea. Just a placebo. Your faith is what brought you to motherhood.” 💫
At 42 years old I birthed my beautiful boy Kaïlo.🦋